Healing. What does it even mean to be “healing”?
What are we healing from?
For me personally, healing has meant a mass-unbecoming all of the things I thought I “should” be, to exist on this Earth as a well-rounded, successful, fully-functioning, capable, dare-I-say-it perfect wife, friend, sister, daughter…
It’s meant unbecoming all of the things I was ever told to be to ensure I fit into the “good-girl” box (cage) I was put in, shedding the unrealistic expectations placed on my shoulders, and understanding how this unsought persona eventually – greatly – impacted my wellbeing, my health, my joy, my business, my relationships…my life – and tending to the wounds, no matter how surface-level or deep-rooted they appeared to be.
It hasn’t been easy. Not one-bit. It has been far more challenging, and far more of an undertaking than I ever could have imagined. Layers and layers and layers to work through. A big tangled mess of trauma, a shot nervous system, triggers, undesirable behaviours, awareness, relief, grief. And, as much as you believe it might be, eventually at least, the result – the pay-off, the reward – for doing this inner-work is not as rewarding in feeling – it’s not as tangible – as you might wish it to be.
It seems never-ending, never quite in your grasp. The deeper you go the more there is to work through.
There are, however, sweet, delicious moments of realisation that you’re not quite the same person you once were. You are growing, you are healing, you are surviving, you are thriving. Little by little, day by day, you feel better, more yourself. You’re finding your way home.
Here are 3 unexpected and yet delightful things I didn’t expect from my healing:
1. I can be still
I used to constantly busy myself, either with work, or a shopping addiction, or a cleaning frenzy, or with the problems of others. It was an excellent distraction. It meant I didn’t have to pay attention to what was going on internally. It meant I didn’t have the time nor space to listen to what was trying to come up and be released. I was a nervous, restless ball of energy. I was always ‘doing’.
Now, I can be still. There is time and space in my day. I don’t mind being interrupted if my husband wants a hug, or if the cat wants a fuss, or if a friend wants to pop in for a cup of tea. I have time, I have space. I don’t run from my feelings. I can be still enough to pay attention and to savour moments.
2. I laugh often and I welcome joy into my everyday
I used to take everything so seriously. I put so much pressure on myself, there was no room to be in feminine energy and for play, for pleasure. Simply, I didn’t make much time for fun. And if there was time, I was often too exhausted and depleted of energy, and any joy I did experience was short-lived. Day to day my emotional range was small, everything seemed very monotonous.
Now, I’ve noticed even the littlest things bring me such immense joy, I’ll be in fits of laughter over seemingly nothing, and I’ve learnt how to anchor those moments in, to soak it all up. There is always time to dance around the house, there is always space for joy. Gratitude and desire live here.
3. My physical health and my relationship with my body has improved
I have suffered with migraine for years, since I was 9 years old. They were part of my identity. I had a negative relationship with food and I was in the grips of disordered eating for years, often punishing my body for simply being my body. I had started to experience digestive issues, I was always bloated and uncomfortable, and despite eating well my weight was increasing. My body didn’t feel like a safe place for me to be, it didn’t feel like home.
Now, although I still suffer with migraine (I’m healing), the attacks are lesser in strength and severity. My relationship with food has improved, and my relationship with my body is a healthy one, full of love, gratitude and kindness. I don’t fixate on my weight, it truly doesn’t matter, and I’ve learnt to listen to what exercise or movement my body is asking for and I honour that. There is a feeling of gentleness, easefulness and acceptance.
This healing has largely come about from understanding my nervous system, and accepting my trauma, as well as learning from wonderful coaches who embody feminine energy. I’m excited to see what else I notice in another 6 months from now.
Here’s to our collective healing
I love you x